Wednesday, April 25, 2012

miscarriage.

It was Monday morning....March 26th to be exact.  It was the morning of Geoff's promotional exam for work.  Nerves were already a little high.  For all of us.

The test wasn't until the afternoon, and I had already decided that I didn't want the girls and I to hang around the house all morning with Geoff....I wanted to give him some time to himself.  And then I also needed to have something to keep myself occupied while Geoff was taking the test.

Geoff had made breakfast.  He was watching the TV while eating his breakfast and the girls were playing well together all on their own.

I slipped away to take a shower and get ready for the day.  I quickly, and as quietly as I could, unwrapped a pregnancy test.  I wasn't technically 'hiding' it from Geoff.  He had already told me days before that if I found out I was pregnant before his big test to not tell him until after the test.

And there it was.  Two pink lines....one very faint.  But undoubtable.  I sat down and thanked God right then.  I was overjoyed!

I knew I wasn't that far along.....I had taken a test just 2 days prior and it had been negative.

I hid the test so that Geoff wouldn't accidentally find it after we left the house.  I continued to get ready and left with the girls as planned with no change in emotion toward Geoff.  He had no idea.

I was full of all kinds of emotion that morning and afternoon.  Nervous for Geoff, excited for this pregnancy....at the chance of being a mom again.  My brain just never stopped {not that it every does...ha!}.

{The girls were good that day....but I have to tell on myself.  #1) Parker talks all the time., #2) Often times I find myself saying "uh-huh" automatically until she continues to ask the same question over and over because it's a question that she knows I am supposed to say 'no' to but I have been continuously saying 'uh-huh'...and then correct my answer to the rightful, 'no', #3) I am directionally challenged.  I don't know east from west, I know right and left.....and I can even mess that up, too!

All that being said....I took so many wrong exits that day getting to our destination....I was exiting and turning back around.....blablabla....racked up $15.00 in tolls from just that day!!  Crazy!  Probably double what it should have been!}

I don't think I heard from Geoff about the test until almost 4pm.  It was great news!!  He had scored the 3rd highest on the exam and there were 3 spots to be filled!  Yet another blessing on this day!

I did not tell him over the phone that I was pregnant.  It just wasn't what I wanted to do.  Wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do....but I wanted it to be a good story.  With this probably being our last baby- I wanted to do something fun.

So we ended up meeting him for dinner before our Financial Peace class  {I know, I know....we should have probably skipped that night so that we could have celebrated, but I really wasn't thinking clearly, I don't think}.  During our class, he was getting text after text of congratulations.  He was on cloud 9.  Not really taking in anything from our lesson.  ;)  And maybe I wasn't either.  I was also sitting on the news of our third baby!!

We had separate cars since he had come straight from the test, so he took the girls home and put them to bed while I ran to the store.  We needed groceries for the week and I wanted to do it without the girls if possible.  And I also wanted to get a digital pregnancy test.  There's just something about seeing the word 'pregnant' that makes the test reading so unmistakable.  ;)

When putting the groceries into the car....I made sure to put the bag with the test in my purse.  I knew that when Geoff heard the garage door opening that he would come out to help me carry everything in.

I pretty much bolted out of the car and ran to the restroom before he was able to walk in with anything.

And there it was....plain as day....



While at Wal-Mart....I also picked up a small little gift bag.  The cheapest I could find....which turned out to be this yellow bag with an Easter spring chicken on it.

I placed the test in the bag.....threw in some tissue (I didn't have time to get real tissue paper from my stash or Geoff would have totally suspected something).

I peaked out of our room to see that Geoff was still unloading groceries in the kitchen.  I ran to the love seat and placed the bag under the end table on my side.

We eventually both settled down in our spots.....maybe said a few words.  Geoff was just worn out.  All of the adrenaline and stress from the day.  You could see it in his face.

Well....I wasn't done with him yet.  ;)

I told him I had a small gift for him.  His eyes lit up.  I pulled out the bag and handed it to him.  He slowly pulled out the tissue.  {And this next part is why he is a great gift opener....}.  He didn't look in the bag at all.....he just stuck his hand in there and pulled out the test.  And bam!  There you have it.

He couldn't believe it. {I mean....he could, but ya know}.  He admitted later that he initially thought there was a gift card in the bag to buy an iPad!  Not even close!   He immediately wanted to call his dad and tell him the good news.  Me?  I had decided for some reason that I just wanted to wait until we went to the doctor to tell my family this time (with Parker and Grace we told very early on).



It feels really good to write down the {long} story I just told.  It was such a happy time for us.  Truly.  And I don't want to forget it.  Not that I ever would.


_________


So 2 weeks pass.  It was 2 weeks from the day that I found all of this out.  It was a Monday.  Geoff and I were both off of work.  We had ran errands....cleaned up around the house....just had a good day.  I was giddy because the next day I had an appointment for our first sono....the one where we were to see a heartbeat and all of that fun and exciting stuff.

Since it was Monday- we had Financial Peace again.....and being in my good mood....we had decided to eat out again before going.  We finished with some time to kill so decide to run by Academy Sports because we are both in need of new shoes for work.  I just remember being in the best of moods.  The girls were acting like maniacs....but still I didn't care because I was floating on cloud 9.

While there I had a sharp cramp.  I mentioned it to Geoff so I know it had to have been significant.  But quickly dismissed it.

We finally make it up to the church and I take both girls to the bathroom.  They were being so silly.  They love Monday nights at the church because all the girls (Parker, Grace, and Payton) get to go to the same class.  When they were done....they ran out the door.  I peaked my head out and told our sweet nursery worker that it was my turn and I'd be out.  We both laughed.  I closed the door and thought to myself, "I can't wait to tell them we're having another one!"

And a half of a second later....I saw blood.

I knew.

I knew right then it was over.

Maybe it had just been jittery nerves, but I had had an overwhelming feeling throughout the few weeks that I was pregnant that I was going to miscarry.  I had no real reason to think this.  Just did.  I bought several tests.  Geoff would get agitated....claiming I was wasting money.  But  just wanted the assurance that I was still pregnant!  I had no symptoms...which worried me some.  But I didn't really have any with Parker either.  And I had prayed for a healthy pregnancy....where I would not be as sick as I had been with Grace...and so perhaps maybe it was all just an answer to prayer.  And if had I carried this baby to term....these feelings would have merely been fleeting thoughts.  But this time...it was true.

I walked out of the bathroom and told Geoff that I had forgotten something in the car.  Kristin was standing there, too...and Geoff tried to just hand me the keys to go get whatever it was out by myself.  But I insisted he go with me.  It was a little awkward.  Telling him I forgot 'something' and needed him to help me....and not telling Kristin a thing.  But I couldn't.  Not at that moment, I could not.

We stayed.  Sat through that Financial Peace class.  I'd sit there fighting back the tears.  Praying that it wouldn't be so...but more importantly that His will be done....whatever that was supposed to be.

At break I went to the restroom....thinking maybe it was just going to happen that one time.  It would be nothing at all.  But it wasn't.  It continued.

We came home....put the girls in bed...and Geoff ran to the store.

I took the opportunity to call a dear friend that I had told we were pregnant.  After saying hello she immediately asked if everything was ok.  I had said nothing to make her think anything would be but I don't normally call at 9pm....and she admitted that I had been heavy on her mind for the past few days.  Amazing how this happens.

I also called Kristin.  I had told a little white lie and told her I had an eye doctor's appointment and that Geoff had some kind of training and so I needed her to watch the girls for me.  I was going to see our baby on that little screen and we were going to then share the great news with the rest of our family.  But I knew I had to tell her that night because I didn't want to tell her this news in front of the girls the next day.

So the next morning.....the morning of my appointment....I called to make sure they still wanted me to come in.  And they did.

I bawled when I got off of the phone with them.  I really lost it.  It took me a while to compose myself.  Parker saw me crying this way.  I usually do not cry in front of her....I don't normally cry, I guess.  And although she didn't know why...I felt it was ok that she saw me.  She wiped my tears with my tissue because my eyes were "leaking", as she says.

We dropped the girls off at Kristin's and headed to my appointment.  The car ride was mostly silent.  Intermittent crying on my part.  Praying for us.  Praying for the doctor....that he would have the right words to say to comfort me.

The nurse calls me back.  Pregnancy test still positive....which is normal.

She goes to get Geoff to walk us back to my doctor's office.  We start to walk in and he's smiling....says something to the effect of "Ahh...back again!"

I'm not sure what our faces were....but they weren't good.

By this time we had sat down...and it did all happen so fast..... he asked, "It wasn't planned?"

I said, "Oh no!"  Tears started to fall.

I looked at Geoff and choked out, "I don't want to cry, " while fanning my face.

My doctor said, "It's ok to cry.....here....(lifting up the box of tissues that Geoff got up to get me)"

I took a tissue and after wiping my eyes I told him, "I'm having a miscarriage."

The conversation continued with more questioning.....we headed to the exam room for the sono.  And there was no baby.  It had either already passed or dissolved....but it was no longer there.

I had some blood work done to follow my beta-hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) back to 0.  That blood work showed my levels to be 504....about that of a 4-5 wk pregnant woman.  It was kind of hard to hear....I just felt like that meant that it had really just happened the night before, you know? (I thought that I was ....or should have been....6 weeks pregnant at this point).

I went back in 2 days later for more blood and those levels were down to 100.  This was all a good sign that my body was taking care of it.

I scheduled an appointment for 1 week later for another sono to make sure everything was fine.  If my body was able to take care of it...I would not have to have a D&C.

So last Thursday was my final appointment.  The urine pregnancy test at the office was negative which meant if I did still have pregnancy hormones at all in my system, they were at least less than 50 so he didn't feel like I needed to do more blood work.  The sono was good....showed a normal, small, non-pregnant uterus.

In hindsight....I am thankful that I started to miscarry the night before my appointment.  I'm not sure if there is a 'good' way, or a 'better' way, to find out this news....but I was able to let some of it soak in before the appointment rather than the doctor telling me the news when I had absolutely no clue.

___________

I don't really know why I am writing this.  I really did just feel led.  If you had asked me 2 weeks ago if I would have written this I would have probably said no.  Or maybe...but it'll be a long time away!

Not many people knew that I was pregnant....but boy have I just felt the need to tell people about my loss.  It has helped me to talk about it to other women that have experienced this same thing.  And so my hope is that if someone else experiences this that they will know that I did and that I would love to support them through it in any way.

The first few days were pretty rough.  Geoff took off of work that Tuesday of the appointment.  Wednesday he went on into work.  I wasn't worth much of anything.  I knew it wasn't fair to the girls.  After Geoff left for work, we went to Kristin's house and pretty much stayed til bedtime.  I had told myself that I could have that day to grieve....to feel sorry for myself....for whatever.  That Thursday would come and I would put on my brave face and 'move on'.

And I kind of did.  I went on into work that night.  I thought I'd be fine.  But when I got there....oh I was regretting it.

I made it through though....I had great roommates that night....not to mention the fact that one girl randomly shared a story about her miscarriage 9 years ago....and so I then I was able to share with her mine from just 3 days prior.  Again- amazing how that happens.

I have my moments and days where I am doing really well.  I'd venture to even say, "normal."  My mom would check on me frequently and I'd tell her..."It's only through God's grace that I have this peace."

Then I have my moments where I feel like the breath was just knocked out of me.  Like someone punched me in the stomach out of nowhere.  Like it was all a bad dream.  That this didn't happen....not to me.


This verse has continually popped into my head though:
Jeremiah 29:11-13
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.


And I do know that He knows the plans for me.  I am definitely comforted by these words and many others.  I feel like knowing these things and clinging to this really got me through initially  (and really even still).  But now that the newness and the initial raw vulnerability has worn off.....I am finding my balance of grieving {slowly}.  Learning that it is ok to grieve and be sad.....and still know that God has a plan.





9 comments:

Megan said...

Wow. You are so brave to share. My heart is breaking.

Miscarriage is so hard. I am so sorry you had to experience it.

I will be praying for you! Hugs!!!!!!

jrjones5876 said...

oh bless you. I'll say a prayer that you'll have complete peace.

Emily Miranda said...

Marla... I'm so so sorry to be reading this. I had no idea you were going through something so trying and truly regret not stopping you at work to ask you how you really were. You are in my prayers, sweet mama.

Kristin said...

Praying for you still. Again, I am sorry this happened to you. Love you sister.

Jessica said...

Thank you for sharing. Brought me to tears. Will pray for strength and contentment for the plan God has for you. So sorry

Kelli @ Our Growing Family said...

Marla -
I am so sorry. This breaks my heart that you and Geoff had to go through this. You are in my prayers. He does have plans for you...

Viv said...

Oh sweet girl, I am so so sorry that I didn't know about this and somehow I totally missed this blog. We love you all so much and sorry you all had to go through this. He does have a plan though, and I pray each and every day for you and your precious family!

Mrs. Tyndall said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julia said...

Sometimes God does not make sense, but He is good. Your testimony will comfort others.

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