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Monday, January 18, 2010

the second time around.

So I've basically been writing this post in my head for the past 9 months. At random times I'd look back at my pregnancy with Parker and things were the they were different.

It's really been hitting me harder over the past week. Things have started to somewhat slow down around here.....meaning....I've been limiting the number of items I am adding to my "lists' of things to do....getting over the things that I know that I won't be able to do....and shoving a whole bunch of stuff into my office closet that I will go through "someday." :)

As we finished up the nursery this week...I couldn't help but think about what I was doing the week before I had Parker. And although I do not know certainly wasn't finishing up her nursery!! :) Her nursery was finished 2 months before her birth!! And not that those things matter....but just funny how different it priorities life changes.

And as I went through Parker's old 0-3 month clothes, it took me back to when she was little enough to wear them.....and how I can barely even remember....or was this little girl that is here with me now that I barely knew then that I know so well now.....that wore these clothes. Surreal.

While pregnant with Parker....I would imagine/dream of what she would look like. And for some reason...I imagined her to look like him when he was little...with dark brown hair and dark eyes. She came out looking a lot like her daddy! (and now you can maybe see a little more of me).

But with Grace.....I imagine/dream of her to look something completely the opposite of Parker. No rhyme or reason....just simply because I have absolutely no clue what to expect. And not that it really even matters....because I really just want her to be healthy. Honestly.


It's been since this past Wednesday that has really got me thinking. We moved the furniture into the nursery on Wednesday...and ever since then...Parker has.....changed. Is that the right word? I don't know. But what I do know is that she knows that something is going on. She can tell me that there is a baby sister in my belly and that her name is Grace and that she loves her, but to what extent she understands all that she is saying...I have no clue. I do think she knows there is a baby coming....but maybe doesn't know what it all means? This afternoon while eating lunch, I told her that tomorrow I was going to go to the doctor and they were going to take the baby out of my belly. You could tell she was perplexed...and honestly....after saying it...and especially after writing it out...I'm not sure I should have said that. But I felt that I needed to address the issue by saying something....just not sure what the right thing is.....and really.....I don't think there is a right thing because every child and situation are different.

But anyway....her response was..."We have to go night-night'll be dark."
I said, "Yes....we will go night-night first."
And she said with a smile on her face, "Which one?"
And I said, "Which one, what?"
And she said, "Daddy put me night-night and sit down on the floor....not Mommy."

And that was that.

But how has she changed??

Well.....she is no longer into potty training. One week ago I would have told you that she is completely potty trained while at home (going into public...a completely different story)...but we could put her in her panties.....and she would use her potty without us even prompting. Since Wednesday....she throws a fit....does not want to wear her panties at all....and now...even if we get her panties on.......she takes them off claiming she wants a diaper. She even refuses the pull-up now....crying and kicking and throwing a fit. I thought she would possibly regress....just didn't think it would be a week before the new baby came! But I think we're taking it in stride....putting it on hold....trying not to think that we've 'lost' what we worked so hard at....but trying to remind myself that now we just have a really good foundation for when we try to pick it back up in a couple of weeks. It's kind of hard for me to do this because I feel like we are merely 'giving up' or 'giving in' and letting her have her way, but at the same's hard for me to make this experience for her a bad one....forcing her to wear her underwear....and forcing her to sit on the potty....all the while she is crying and saying "no." And not to say that it won't come to this (afterall....she does need to be potty trained at some point :) ).....but for now....this is what we're doing....

Whew....guilty much?

She has also become very clingy to me over the past few weeks....with a definite increase since the furniture was moved into the nursery. She wants me to hold her more....rock her....she sits in my lap more (which I happen to really enjoy).....and she is much more whiny...especially when saying my name!

The battle of putting to to bed at night in her big girl bed (which we started 5 weeks ago)....had finally gotten to a point where it wasn't such a hastle (meaning...the process of putting her to bed no longer took 1 and a half to 2 hours).....but that, too, has become more difficult in the past week.

So back to my point (do I really even have one???)......the biggest difference between my first pregnancy and the 2nd time that this time....I don't just have this precious baby in my belly to worry about.....but my other precious baby that is currently sleeping in the room down the hall is heavy on my mind as well.

And I know that she's going to be ok. We're going to be ok. We'll adjust. By golly...we're certainly not the first....and won't be the last. And more importantly...look at what she is gaining....a sister. And us....a daughter. But this is the first time I've experienced these emotions and so I wanted to write them down. I want to remember. Because I want to look back and see how we've grown. Because I see how much we've grown since the first time.

It's funny because I find myself thinking that we somewhat know what to expect with a newborn....afterall...we've had a newborn before. But at the same time....we've never had this newborn before. And we've never done it with a 2 year old before. So in essence....we have no idea about what we do already have an idea about. Got that?

So people have asked me if I'm excited and if I'm ready....and I always find myself answering in awkward ways like..."Ummm...yes....I mean...yes we're ready and excited, but we have no clue?" I mean....can you ever really be ready?

But honestly....

I'm nervous. I'm a ticking time-bomb of emotion that feels a good ole cry coming on...even though that cry is for no particular reason at all. I'm dreading surgery, but looking forward to the repercussions of that daughter. I'm overjoyed to meet see the face and the limbs that have been kicking me. I'm anxious about Parker meeting her she'll be....will she be sweet and happy....or sort of timid....and possibly cry? Will Parker want to sit with me on the bed....or will she be scared and stay with her daddy or grandparents?

So yes....I'm excited and I'm ready.....and a million other words that I can't even begin to articulate to describe my true feelings.

Another thing that has been so different is having this date in my January 19th at the latest....that we would have a baby! The first time around I had a due date...and wait for that day to come....and it sometimes comes and goes before you have your baby (like it did with Parker). But there was never a specific day that I 'knew' we'd have her. And so in has kind of made it more anxiety provoking (at least for me) because I knew my deadline. I know...I'm weird....just the feeling I have, though.

But without a doubt....I can definitely say that there have been thoughts and feelings that have been the same. Like how blessed I feel. How utterly amazing it is to have a child grow inside of you. And what an honor it is to be chosen to be these little girls' mother. It is an awesome responsibility that I strive to be the best that I can possibly be on a daily basis. And I know there are times that I fall short (many times)....but I know that life happens and so sometimes we just have to roll with the punches.

So thank you for listening to my 'ramblings of a pregnant women....about 24 hours from her delivery time.'


Anonymous said...

Can't wait to meet Baby Grace!!! I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow!!!

Kristin said...

I just now realize you posted this... So I am reading it now... after the fact of Grace being born..

But all those things are so true, and can you ever really be ready? I don't know. It is all so amazing and you are truly blessed and I am truly blessed to have these two little girls as my nieces. I love them both so much, as if they were my own.

I am so grateful that you are both doing good and Grace is a healthy baby girl!!


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